This may be one of the most difficult pieces I will ever write because it surfaces self-inflicted pain, humiliation, situational depression, and hopelessness. I struggle to make sentences now as the thought of what people will think of me after it has been published to my blog site. However, when The Lord God places an assignment on your life, you don’t want to be the one who ignores Him while he searches for another to do His will. So, I write this, knowing that I am healed by God, knowing that He forgave me even before “it” happened and He forgives me still, knowing that my testimony will definitely help the next woman.
In March 2020, I found out that I would have my first child. Me. Most of my close friends and family would tell you I’ve never shown any interest in having children. In fact, most people would probably describe me as a career woman, solely focused on her goals — -and you could almost always catch her head in a book. Well, not so much of that part of me has changed but after receiving the shocking news that I would become a mommy, I knew my life would never be the same — -and that terrifies me still.
Now that I am married to the love of my life, most of you may say that my pregnancy should be no big deal now. “At least y’all are doing the “right” way now,” as some would say. I too use to have this same judgment when women would have babies “out of wedlock,” that somehow, a woman’s pregnancy is much more valuable when she’s married, that a woman, is much more valuable to the world when she doesn’t humiliate herself or her family. I want to make sure that whoever’s reading understands something, especially us Christians: Having a child out of wedlock isn’t the sin. Sex outside of marriage is the sin. The scriptures are clear on this: “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him” (Psalm 127:3). We have placed a societal construct on the process of having children; we push women into annihilating corners that cause them to abort their gift from God. We persecute so many women who have fallen into this type of sin as if there is no road to repentance for them. Now, I am not saying that it is okay for any of us to go on sinning. What I am saying is that if we as Christians meet women with more grace, mercy, and compassion, we will start to see more women walking into their God-given purpose instead of choosing a world of uncertainty and despair. The next chapter will begin my story. I don’t care how many people read it, I don’t care if you think it’s too long. And I certainly don’t care if you think I should keep it to myself. My job is to be obedient to the Spirit. God has nudged me for months to begin this series. And when it’s all over, I want to hear the greatest phrase any human being could ever hope to hear: “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”